He's not sure what to think of the hand on his shoulder. Mostly due to the fact that it briefly moves the bed, sending his head spinning again. He sounds absolutely defeated when he speaks like he's settled into his fate...at least for now. Maybe it's just the shame of what happened or the fear inside of him. He just wants this night to be over with, a terrible nightmare they will never speak of again.
"Sure uh...sure that might work."
He tries to get up again, but only gets halfway up, leaning on one side of the bed.
Connor is quick to lean over to support him and make sure he doesn't collapse; the last thing they need is for Hank to hit his head on the side table or the bed frame. Slowly, the android tries to help Hank into a sitting position against the headboard, significantly more gentle than he'd been months ago in the lieutenant's home.
"I was thinking about warming up some of the apple cider."
It's hard to read his expression, if the man even has his eyes open to look at Connor. He doesn't keep his gaze on Hank for very long at a time, and the slight lowering of his eyelids could be worry, exhaustion, or nothing but a neutral expression not meant to display anything.
He would have appreciated the help if he didn't feel like he didn't deserve it after what had just happened. He mutters a quick thanks before placing a hand on his head like it would magically be able to stop the pounding headache. It hurt too much for him to argue.
"Yeah...that'll be fine."
He briefly looks at Connor, but turns away again before the android looks back at him. He has to wonder if he's being nothing more than a crutch for him at this point.
Need. As if anything he's done for Hank has really been out of need. As much as the android tried to delude himself into saying he functioned purely on logic, he can recognize that all he's done for his partner these past few months has been... because he wanted to. Even if he feels the need to occupy his time with tasks, he could have found any number of other things to dedicate his time to aside from monitoring the lieutenant's health and mood.
"I know."
Connor is silent for several moments, brow furrowing as he struggles briefly with himself, the smell of decaying leaves in the air. Even if it's better to leave more sensitive issues for when Hank is feeling better, a question claws itself out of him, tinged with hurt.
"Why didn't you talk to me?"
Edited (meh i didn't like that comma) 2018-11-05 07:56 (UTC)
He's not sure if it's the booze or the headache causing this, but at that moment, he could almost blink and swear Connor is acting as emotional as any human would be. His nose is too clogged to smell anything, but more intricate snowflake-like ice structures appear on the bed, his breath visible as he breathes out.
Why didn't you talk to me?
He's not sure why that question hurts him so much. Maybe it's the failure he feels from it, or that he's frighteningly unsure how he can even begin to answer that.
"I...don't know," he admits. "Didn't think something like this would happen...felt like it was better to keep it to myself."
If it were a concrete answer, perhaps Connor could have come up with some kind of counterargument, a way to directly prove that whatever reason Hank had was false or inadequate. He could at least have tried to eliminate one of the sources of this problem, as much as he knows many of them are far out of his reach.
With I don't know all he can do is question it.
"You know you can, right?"
It almost sounds like he's pleading, and the way he's leaning towards Hank probably doesn't do anything to disprove that impression.
"About anything. I mean it. I know I've been difficult in the past about some things—but it won't happen again. Okay?"
"I..." He keeps opening his mouth and closing it like he wants to say something, but the knot in his stomach and the spinning sensation making it feel like he'll be constantly falling makes it hard to have cohesive thoughts worth the explanation to the android. He clutches the clothing on his chest and looks downward, unable to even look at the android in the eyes anymore.
"Connor...I don't...deserve this kindness." His voice is weak. He sounds tired, exasperated by both his own state of mind and the fact the android is willing to open up to him. He has so little self-worth that he doesn't feel like its worth Connor's effort to do anything for him. "It's hard to open up after...."
After Cole. After being unable to do anything. After being blamed in the heat of a shouting match for his son's death by his enraged ex-wife unable to deal with the loss of her son. After no one really took the time to see how he was doing, first because it felt more polite to let him grieve and deal with his separation, and then because who the fuck would ask Hank Anderson how he felt?
Connor was probably the first one in years to see Hank peel away enough of his gruff facade to leave a shell of a man who couldn't even quite believe in himself anymore.
After his son. Even now, Hank can't quite say it out loud. Connor can't understand the depth of that grief, never having experienced loss himself—the closest he's gotten is the fear of it, and that's bad enough. He can't imagine, but he nods nonetheless, pulling one of the blankets a little more securely around Hank.
He allows for a moment of grief, out of respect, but he won't let the man sink into it that far again.
"It's not true, that you don't deserve it," he says, ducking his head to try to catch Hank's gaze. "Even if it were I wouldn't care."
Even if he'd ended up being something other than a decent person, he'd still be Connor's partner, with everything they've been through together. How could the android deny that?
"You've done a lot for me, Hank," he says quietly, by way of explanation. It's an offer, made to hopefully soften any guilt Hank might feel at depending on him—like he's already paid off his side of the deal.
He never did want to talk about Cole. It was the last thing he had desired in this world or the one back home. People had never really talked about him after he was dead. The only one who had was his ex-wife and it had lead to their divorce. Cole was a lot of pleasant memories, but they were constantly threatened being swallowed by his guilt at what had happened.
"He was...Cole would have loved you, Connor. He was always fascinated by androids. I waited too many years before having a child...I thought I had hit the jackpot when he was born. There's no...there's no way to properly describe holding something that you partly helped create." He looked sideways, his hands clasped together, knuckles already turning white from the pressure. "He slept most of his nights...he was already a model student in kindergarten. But then...but then..."
Connor's own voice echoes in the back of his mind, a memory that this Connor didn't have. It wasn't your fault lieutenant. Even with that he still had trouble accepting it. He lowered his entire body towards his hands, feeling the humidity of his eyes connect with them so that Connor couldn't see them.
"...my beautiful baby boy...he didn't deserve this...we were...going to pick up his mother from work. I'd give up everything to get him back...my own life...I'd willingly give up my own life so that he could live instead of me."
Connor can see the pain the loss of his son causes Hank clear as day in his partner's face, and he aches with what he thinks must be sympathy. Still—he's grateful that Hank is finally opening up to him, even if it's taken this much. He wants nothing more right now than to help take some of that burden off of Hank's shoulders.
He doesn't have to see the man's face to know he's crying.
"I would have been glad to meet him," he replies, putting a hand over the back of Hank's shoulder and squeezing lightly, leaning towards him a little in the hopes of providing some support—an offer he's fairly sure Hank won't take, but one he feels the need to provide anyway.
"But I don't think he'd want you to do that," Connor continues quietly. "You didn't deserve any of this, either. It wasn't your fault... you didn't do anything wrong."
The android pauses, wanting to choose his words carefully. He doesn't know how Hank might take the fact that Connor researched the circumstances surrounding his son's death, as vulnerable as he is now. But...
"It was an accident. Nobody should blame you for that, Hank, not even you. Cole wouldn't."
Edited (meh too many hanks + ALREADY SAID THAT LIKE A TAG AGO) 2018-11-09 08:10 (UTC)
Honestly Hank would rather be alone in this moment, but considering everything that had happened and his own lingering headache, his choices of what he was saying, where he wanted to be and what he was actually doing weren't as controlled as they could be. His reaction to Connor's touch is to lean forward even more, but he doesn't tell him to stop touching him. It's not really the android's fault.
"I know he wouldn't!" he replies, rage briefly filling him before he rubs one hand over his eyes, sniffling loudly and using his sleeve to dry it. Christ, this was pathetic. "I know that too. You told me...you..."
He stops, realizing he can't tell Connor about what happens in his future. Or maybe just his possible future. He can't tell anymore. So Hank just rambles on instead. "He wouldn't want this I know...I've just...when I saw Simon I realized I might be able to see him here. Is it too much to wish for something like that?" He looks down at his hands again.
"What would he even think seeing me like this...I'm just an old, fucking grumpy asshole of a man now."
Being an android with no real reason to wince or withdraw, Connor doesn't react to the shout physically other than a slight change to his expression, eyebrows rising in concern. He hasn't seen Hank that angry in a long time.
It makes a lot of sense now, why Hank had been driven to drink like this. Connor had been preoccupied with thoughts of different possibilities, himself, and he didn't even have any real traumas to face—the most he'd considered were threats he'd have to take down or... maybe a version of Hank that detested him. It's nowhere near both fearing and hoping to see a dead child.
"It's not 'too much' to want to see him again," Connor replies. He's venturing into territory that he can't be certain of, wanting to say things that he can't factually back up but nonetheless believes to be true.
"It's only natural. You're his father... I'm sure he would be glad to see you, regardless of all this."
He was probably right. Hank knew that Cole might be a little weirded out at first, as most kids tend to do if their father had a beard or longer hair, but he'd be able to deal with it. He just hated how he was starting to heal from that part of himself, and now this possibility was dangled in front of him.
"What about you, Connor?" He looks back at him, the sides of his eyes reddish, but the blues of his iris still piercing into the android's own. "We're partners right now, but what happens if you come from a world where we end up fighting each other on two different sides? What happens if another of you shows up? What if I disappear and another Hank shows up? Or..."
Connor meets Hanks gaze, LED flashing yellow as he processes the question. The possibilities are endless, it's true. As much as the android has thought about them, the conclusion he's come to is... there'd be nothing else to do but to deal with it as it came.
"Nothing will change the fact that you're my partner."
It's a quiet answer, almost uncertain, but there's a force of determination behind it that says at least his side of it is something he'd hold onto for as long as he could.
"Even if I turn out not to be your Connor... and even if he showed up, or if another version of you took your place here and hated me, it doesn't mean I could just... leave. You've done too much for me to just throw it all away."
There's the briefest flicker of red in the ring of light on his temple as he glances away, but the thought that remains unspoken but obvious between them passes quickly enough. He doesn't want to think about it, and he doesn't plan to.
"I'd hate it, if we were on opposite sides, but... that's something to deal with if it happens."
He's not sure what he expected in an answer, but it's a lot more than he thought Connor would answer. If he pretended, he could almost imagine that it was the same one from the CyberLife tower. He almost sounded like a deviant.
Almost.
"..."
He doesn't say much of anything after that for a few minutes, thinking to himself, or the alcohol is finally catching up to him in full. When he looks at Connor again, he seems a little more numb than usual, but doesn't look as lost as he was just a few minutes ago.
"...I think the apple cider might be good about now."
He doesn't attempt to break the silence, instead deciding to take the opportunity to slowly readjust the blankets around Hank to a satisfactory arrangement, a neutral expression on his face. Their eyes meet when Hank finally speaks again, and the sheet Connor is currently holding onto settles over the top of the lieutenant's head, just to be sure his vitals are getting the warmth they need.
He gives the man a weak smile before getting to his feet. Whether it's meant to comfort Hank or reassure Connor himself is another matter.
"I'll only be a few minutes," he says, and he only pauses briefly before turning and exiting the room.
"...Sure," he replies a bit after Connor has left, after having wrapped him in what could just be easily considered a blanket burrito at this point. He wanted to call him back in and tell him that he had pulled too tight, but in the end just gave up, and threw himself backwards into the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling.
What shitty life choices had lead him to drink, get turned into a living ice cub, then let out his grievances at an android who had a perfect memory and would not forget what he told him anytime soon.
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"Sure uh...sure that might work."
He tries to get up again, but only gets halfway up, leaning on one side of the bed.
"Like...maybe some warm water."
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"I was thinking about warming up some of the apple cider."
It's hard to read his expression, if the man even has his eyes open to look at Connor. He doesn't keep his gaze on Hank for very long at a time, and the slight lowering of his eyelids could be worry, exhaustion, or nothing but a neutral expression not meant to display anything.
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"Yeah...that'll be fine."
He briefly looks at Connor, but turns away again before the android looks back at him. He has to wonder if he's being nothing more than a crutch for him at this point.
"You don't...need to do it either...you know."
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"I know."
Connor is silent for several moments, brow furrowing as he struggles briefly with himself, the smell of decaying leaves in the air. Even if it's better to leave more sensitive issues for when Hank is feeling better, a question claws itself out of him, tinged with hurt.
"Why didn't you talk to me?"
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Why didn't you talk to me?
He's not sure why that question hurts him so much. Maybe it's the failure he feels from it, or that he's frighteningly unsure how he can even begin to answer that.
"I...don't know," he admits. "Didn't think something like this would happen...felt like it was better to keep it to myself."
It's just excuses and he knows it.
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With I don't know all he can do is question it.
"You know you can, right?"
It almost sounds like he's pleading, and the way he's leaning towards Hank probably doesn't do anything to disprove that impression.
"About anything. I mean it. I know I've been difficult in the past about some things—but it won't happen again. Okay?"
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"Connor...I don't...deserve this kindness." His voice is weak. He sounds tired, exasperated by both his own state of mind and the fact the android is willing to open up to him. He has so little self-worth that he doesn't feel like its worth Connor's effort to do anything for him. "It's hard to open up after...."
After Cole. After being unable to do anything. After being blamed in the heat of a shouting match for his son's death by his enraged ex-wife unable to deal with the loss of her son. After no one really took the time to see how he was doing, first because it felt more polite to let him grieve and deal with his separation, and then because who the fuck would ask Hank Anderson how he felt?
Connor was probably the first one in years to see Hank peel away enough of his gruff facade to leave a shell of a man who couldn't even quite believe in himself anymore.
no subject
He allows for a moment of grief, out of respect, but he won't let the man sink into it that far again.
"It's not true, that you don't deserve it," he says, ducking his head to try to catch Hank's gaze. "Even if it were I wouldn't care."
Even if he'd ended up being something other than a decent person, he'd still be Connor's partner, with everything they've been through together. How could the android deny that?
"You've done a lot for me, Hank," he says quietly, by way of explanation. It's an offer, made to hopefully soften any guilt Hank might feel at depending on him—like he's already paid off his side of the deal.
"If you want to talk... about Cole. I'll listen."
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"He was...Cole would have loved you, Connor. He was always fascinated by androids. I waited too many years before having a child...I thought I had hit the jackpot when he was born. There's no...there's no way to properly describe holding something that you partly helped create." He looked sideways, his hands clasped together, knuckles already turning white from the pressure. "He slept most of his nights...he was already a model student in kindergarten. But then...but then..."
Connor's own voice echoes in the back of his mind, a memory that this Connor didn't have. It wasn't your fault lieutenant. Even with that he still had trouble accepting it. He lowered his entire body towards his hands, feeling the humidity of his eyes connect with them so that Connor couldn't see them.
"...my beautiful baby boy...he didn't deserve this...we were...going to pick up his mother from work. I'd give up everything to get him back...my own life...I'd willingly give up my own life so that he could live instead of me."
no subject
He doesn't have to see the man's face to know he's crying.
"I would have been glad to meet him," he replies, putting a hand over the back of Hank's shoulder and squeezing lightly, leaning towards him a little in the hopes of providing some support—an offer he's fairly sure Hank won't take, but one he feels the need to provide anyway.
"But I don't think he'd want you to do that," Connor continues quietly. "You didn't deserve any of this, either. It wasn't your fault... you didn't do anything wrong."
The android pauses, wanting to choose his words carefully. He doesn't know how Hank might take the fact that Connor researched the circumstances surrounding his son's death, as vulnerable as he is now. But...
"It was an accident. Nobody should blame you for that, Hank, not even you. Cole wouldn't."
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"I know he wouldn't!" he replies, rage briefly filling him before he rubs one hand over his eyes, sniffling loudly and using his sleeve to dry it. Christ, this was pathetic. "I know that too. You told me...you..."
He stops, realizing he can't tell Connor about what happens in his future. Or maybe just his possible future. He can't tell anymore. So Hank just rambles on instead. "He wouldn't want this I know...I've just...when I saw Simon I realized I might be able to see him here. Is it too much to wish for something like that?" He looks down at his hands again.
"What would he even think seeing me like this...I'm just an old, fucking grumpy asshole of a man now."
no subject
It makes a lot of sense now, why Hank had been driven to drink like this. Connor had been preoccupied with thoughts of different possibilities, himself, and he didn't even have any real traumas to face—the most he'd considered were threats he'd have to take down or... maybe a version of Hank that detested him. It's nowhere near both fearing and hoping to see a dead child.
"It's not 'too much' to want to see him again," Connor replies. He's venturing into territory that he can't be certain of, wanting to say things that he can't factually back up but nonetheless believes to be true.
"It's only natural. You're his father... I'm sure he would be glad to see you, regardless of all this."
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He was probably right. Hank knew that Cole might be a little weirded out at first, as most kids tend to do if their father had a beard or longer hair, but he'd be able to deal with it. He just hated how he was starting to heal from that part of himself, and now this possibility was dangled in front of him.
"What about you, Connor?" He looks back at him, the sides of his eyes reddish, but the blues of his iris still piercing into the android's own. "We're partners right now, but what happens if you come from a world where we end up fighting each other on two different sides? What happens if another of you shows up? What if I disappear and another Hank shows up? Or..."
What if we end up killing each other?
no subject
"Nothing will change the fact that you're my partner."
It's a quiet answer, almost uncertain, but there's a force of determination behind it that says at least his side of it is something he'd hold onto for as long as he could.
"Even if I turn out not to be your Connor... and even if he showed up, or if another version of you took your place here and hated me, it doesn't mean I could just... leave. You've done too much for me to just throw it all away."
There's the briefest flicker of red in the ring of light on his temple as he glances away, but the thought that remains unspoken but obvious between them passes quickly enough. He doesn't want to think about it, and he doesn't plan to.
"I'd hate it, if we were on opposite sides, but... that's something to deal with if it happens."
no subject
He's not sure what he expected in an answer, but it's a lot more than he thought Connor would answer. If he pretended, he could almost imagine that it was the same one from the CyberLife tower. He almost sounded like a deviant.
Almost.
"..."
He doesn't say much of anything after that for a few minutes, thinking to himself, or the alcohol is finally catching up to him in full. When he looks at Connor again, he seems a little more numb than usual, but doesn't look as lost as he was just a few minutes ago.
"...I think the apple cider might be good about now."
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He gives the man a weak smile before getting to his feet. Whether it's meant to comfort Hank or reassure Connor himself is another matter.
"I'll only be a few minutes," he says, and he only pauses briefly before turning and exiting the room.
no subject
What shitty life choices had lead him to drink, get turned into a living ice cub, then let out his grievances at an android who had a perfect memory and would not forget what he told him anytime soon.
Fuck.
"Shit...I really blew it..."